Daily challenges can contribute to conflicts in your relationship. This is not unusual. It is natural for all couples to experience conflicts. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman theorized that “lasting emotional relationships do not exist without chronic conflict.” In fact, it is considered more unusual for a couple to not have reasons to argue. He says, “The absence of conflict is a sign of an emotional distance, so great as to preclude an authentic relationship.”

The Most Harmful Attitudes to a Relationship

Gottman explains that there are four attitudes that can stimulate a couple’s “emotional brains,” so you may either withdraw or become hurtful. These attitudes, or types of communication, are criticism, contempt, counterattack, and stonewalling. Without doing anything to change these attitudes, they can all potentially overwhelm you, emotionally flooding your relationship.

Criticism usually happens when a person is angry or upset. It is a generally destructive approach as it focuses on the character of your partner rather than on a mistake or a behavior. Criticism is also usually based upon a sense of right or wrong. It often uses blame and is unhealthy because it isn’t focused on improvement. Rather, it is building resentment in the one who is criticized and who potentially feels controlled. The tendency then, is for the critical partner to be frustrated and to become more critical. This can create a vicious, unhealthy cycle.

Contempt is the most harmful of the attitudes. It can manifest as insults, underhanded behaviors, and sarcasm. Shock and disdain may also show in the form of facial expressions and body language – smirking, eyes rolling, or yawning. Words aren’t always needed to communicate contempt.

Criticism and contempt are so hurtful the other partner is likely to counterattack, verbally or physically. Either way, it isn’t a healthy way to find a healthy resolution to conflict.

To avoid extreme expressions of anger and resentment, stonewalling could be used. This is when someone shuts down and does not respond at all. Often inadvertently causing the other partner to push even harder for a response. Unfortunately, it can only buy temporary peace, but not address the underlying issues. In fact, experts consider it a sign of a declining relationship.

Signs of Emotional Flooding

Gottman refers to a concept called “emotional hijacking.” This is when emotions and behaviors reach a level where all you can feel is negativity. When you and your partner are “emotionally hijacked,” your nervous system gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, two hormones that are released when you are stressed or anxious. Your reaction when this happens is akin to the signs of “fight or flight” anxiety symptoms, says Nurturing Marriage. “The diverted blood that fuels rational thinking goes to your muscles, so you can fight or flee.” You may experience:

• Tension of the muscles and a clenched jaw
• Jitters and shaking hands
• Dryness of the mouth
• Sweating and flushed skin
• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Heavy, rapid breathing and shallow breaths
• Tunnel vision

These responses are biologically instinctive and, therefore, difficult to understand. We are primed to respond defensively to protect ourselves from a perceived danger. It may feel difficult, but you can “rein in” your emotions. So, instead of letting out a cascade of insults, you may choose to fight back by stonewalling. Unfortunately, neither reaction is healthy.

The Emotionally Flooded Relationship

Biologically, when men get emotionally flooded, they stay that way longer than women. They are more alert and usually resort to stonewalling to bring calmness and a sense of relief. Women, by comparison, can calm down faster, but their partner’s stonewalling response can agitate the problem more. Despite these differences, there is one common thing when you and your partner are flooded, it can change the way you see things around you as you lose your cool. This can make it difficult to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.

Intrinsically, both of you can react to emotional flooding like our “caveman” ancestors – fighting a saber-toothed tiger like there is no tomorrow. When you are reacting “under the influence” of adrenaline and cortisol, you can create more problems than solutions. It can be nearly impossible to react in ways you will be proud of later when you are flooded.

You may have the tendency to “catastrophize” everything, always thinking of the worst. Being distressed may begin to feel like your new “normal,” so you have difficulty achieving peace, calmness and happiness. Counseling can help with emotional flooding.

Facing the Emotional Flooding in Your Relationship

Too many relationships have fallen victim to emotional flooding. It may seem like the only alternative is to stay in an unhappy relationship. This is because flooding works like overwhelm – it can take on a life of its own. This means it may be difficult to react appropriately and be extremely challenging to stay calm when you get into another argument with your partner. This also means both of you will be reacting, rather than responding, causing you to do or say things that you don’t really mean or will regret later.

When your relationship becomes emotionally flooded, seek help to find resolution. The conflicts and the ensuing arguments can happen so often, you may not recognize the symptoms of overwhelm. You can also be so engrossed in your unhappiness you don’t see the inevitable coming. This situation is detrimental and can capsize your relationship before you get the chance to work on your problems. There is a way out of an emotionally flooded relationship – seek the assistance of a marriage counselor independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Services – Pinehurst, NC.

An experienced counselor knowledgeable about anxiety and marital conflicts can help you learn the skills and tools necessary to calm yourself when the signs of the flooding start to manifest. While emotional flooding cannot be prevented a hundred percent of the time, having these tools and skills can help. Call CCS today to schedule your first appointment.

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