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Guilt is a natural, human emotion that most of us feel from time to time. Though it is not necessarily bad, it can often lead to other negative feelings. Like all things, there can be some positive aspects to guilt when it exists in healthy “doses”. In a way, it can be considered as “negative,” being classified with other “sad” emotions like “agony, grief, and loneliness,” says Fischer, Shaver and Carnochan (1990). Though there are some positive aspects, guilt isn’t recognized as a good motivator.

The Development of Healthy, Moral Guilt in Children

“Like empathy, moral guilt is a healthy emotion,” says psychology professor Tina Malti whose study focuses on childhood emotional and social development at the University of Toronto Mississauga Laboratory for Social-Emotional Development. She says that it is an emotion that children learn when they misbehave or cross social norms. It helps a child refrain from belligerence and other unacceptable behavior. This expert believes that “it’s an important emotion to have because it also creates a motive to engage in reparative behavior.”

Developing feelings of guilt happens during the window age three to seven, coinciding with their cognitive or intellectual development. Younger than three, children are not as perceptive, being not cognitively prepared to understand “others” or how they feel. This means this window period is critical. It is around this time when they progressively develop the ability to regulate their personal feelings and impulses, which then guides them in regulating their emotions. As their thoughts and feelings are becoming better coordinated, they develop other essential life skills and emotions, such as compassion and empathy.

Knowing what’s at stake, parents have the ability to address the concept of “healthy guilt” – the type that causes a child to realize that there is an emotional cost when they do or say something hurtful or “wrong”. While guiding a child in developing a healthy sense of guilt, it is important for them to reflect on the connection between negative behavior and their repercussions. Guilt, however, runs the risk of becoming unhealthy and even leading to depressive symptoms. This often happens when behavior is linked to something that a child is not responsible for or has no power over, such as financial difficulties or family conflicts.

When Guilt Turns Unhealthy

Even when moral guilt is healthy, “too much of a good thing can be bad.” Though it is something a child must develop or that they must grow up with, you don’t want them to be negatively impacted because of misplaced guilt. Remember that young children whose intellectual capacity has not been fully reached may misunderstand the lessons that you are trying to teach them. Excessive or misplaced guilt can cause them to feel responsible for a lot of things, potentially leading to anxiety disorders. Studies show that this kind of guilt can have lasting effects that may continue into adulthood.

Many parents use guilt to improve their children’s behavior. This can be done in healthy ways; however, it can easily become excessive. Guilt focuses on behaviors rather than who we are as people. Unfortunately, that line can easily be crossed if children perceive that they are “bad”, not simply their behavior is “bad”.

Research shows that guilt-inducing parenting methods can distress children, even days after. If this is done frequently enough, the aftereffects can compound until guilt is felt most of the time. It can leave your child to feel frustrated, unhappy and helpless. Excessive use of guilt-inducing parenting methods can result in a child’s behavior becoming worse. At the extreme end, it can also cause a deterioration in your child’s emotional health.

Treating Excessive Guilt

In the right dose, guilt can be good. Guilt lets us know that we have done something we are uncomfortable with. It allows us to apologize, make amends and do better in the future. Guilt can be positive, though it isn’t healthy to use as a motivator. Using guilt as a parenting technique can be exhausting and stressful. Using guilt can be risky for both you and your child. If guilt is negatively impacting you or your child, know that you’re not alone. Therapy can help. Face guilt head on with a child counselor independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Services – Southern Pines, NC. Call today to schedule your first appointment.