You may find yourself taking long walks every night and dwelling more and more on how much effort it takes to keep your marriage going and how little your spouse is doing to help. Maybe you’ve imagined what life would be like if you had married someone else from your past.

Beware! When you start thinking along these lines—doing cost-benefit analyses or having another imaginary life—it could be a warning sign that your marriage is in trouble. If you ignore the signs, do not be surprised to wake up one day feeling desperate to leave your home or with your spouse already gone.

Divorce is a painful reality that about 50 percent of married couples in America have learned about the hard way. You may be next in the statistics if you fail to recognize that not all is fine on your home front. If you want to stay married and be happy, you have the power to strengthen your relationship and improve your chances with the help of an impartial marriage counselor.

Is it time to see a counselor? If you have unresolved issues that have been mounting for a long time, you may not notice how far they have escalated. Ask yourself whether your marriage is experiencing any of these eight troubling signs:

1. Your interactions often end in arguments and the use of insults or sarcasm: As a loving couple, you don’t want to hurt or offend each other, and you may have used every strategy in the book—patience, sacrifice, forgiveness, understanding, etc.—to keep your union strong and happy. However, unresolved conflicts from years of marriage can fill your “emotional sponges” until you can’t absorb any more. Irritation and frustration over the same issues can start showing in the increasing frequency of your arguments. Insults and sarcasm are serious signs that your respect for each other is eroding and that love is dying, if not dead.

2. Clashes and arguments are constant. When issues aren’t resolved properly and promptly, your marriage can suffer. Unresolved issues can get brought up again and again until the mere mention of them grates on your nerves. Then they become major problems that trigger heated arguments, weighing you down and wearing out your patience.

3. Unbearable silence has replaced friendly exchanges. A serene home is magical, but not when the silence is a sign of broken communication between spouses. If you find yourself avoiding or minimizing your encounters and exchanges with your spouse, or “sweeping your issues under the rug,” silence is a sign that your relationship is ailing and needs attention.

4. Your activities together are few and far between. If you are avoiding talking to each other to minimize conflict, you will likely miss opportunities to do things together that you used to enjoy, such as traveling, eating out, or watching movies. If your shared activities are limited to “obligatory” events—children’s birthdays, graduations, or parents’ anniversaries—your issues may be bigger than you think. Not wanting to be together is a sign that you aren’t enjoying each other’s company the way you did when you decided to tie the knot.

5. You spend more time on work, other people, or other interests than with your spouse. If you are spending less time with your wife or husband, how are you channeling your free time? If you are spending more time at work or with other people, it could be because you find it/them more fulfilling. You may not have given it much thought as things unfolded over time, but it is time to ask yourself why. Having another interest more important than your spouse and family is unusual. It could be a distraction or a way to divert your attention or unhappiness. Many illicit affairs start this way.

6. You lose interest in your appearance. An unhappy marriage can make you feel unhappy, even depressed, and you may lose your motivation to stay appealing or pleasing to the eyes of your spouse. So, if you or your spouse is neglecting appearance, pay attention. Are you just being complacent that everything is all right, or are you unhappy with the state of your marriage? If it is the latter, it is not too late to make things work in your marriage. It will be better to act now.

7. You are uninvolved in your spouse’s activities and life. You are supposed to be each other’s supporters, friends, confidants, and allies. As such, you will likely share your day-to-day concerns, from fun, enriching, and fulfilling experiences to scary and heartbreaking challenges. If you share these experiences with another person instead, it can mean that you don’t feel close to your spouse anymore. This doesn’t usually happen overnight. It may have happened slowly. There could have been earlier signs that you missed or ignored.

8. Physical intimacy has deteriorated or has become “obligatory.” Love and passion can’t be repressed by a few minor disagreements. They can only be quashed when the conflicts have already bred intense, negative feelings akin to loathing and hatred. Sharing intimate moments with your husband or wife is important. These moments can be a time to resolve issues and settle differences and misunderstandings. The deterioration of physical intimacy can be a strong signal that something is seriously wrong in your marriage. Not only have you lost those opportunities to talk and renew your love and passion, but it can signal that your union is dying.   

It is not easy to erode the strong love, deep passion, mutual respect, and integrity upon which most marriages are anchored. However, years of unresolved conflicts can do this, making you vulnerable to unhappiness and what you probably fear most—the death of your love and passion for each other.

When you lose what you used to have and enjoyed, you also lose the safety net of support from your spouse. But your marriage doesn’t have to reach this stage if you recognize the signs and seek help from a capable marriage counselor contracted with Carolina Counseling Services — Pinehurst, NC.

Recognizing that your marriage needs help is important, but counseling can also help you keep a good relationship resilient and strong. Being proactive is important. Don’t just sweep your marital issues under the rug: resolve them and sustain your marriage. Carolina Counseling Services — Pinehurst, NC, is here to help.

Related Articles:

• Marital Conflicts: Don’t Sweep Them Under the Rug